Monday, 25 April 2016

Help me! I’m 20…

I was in the train somewhere at the beginning of the month March. I always have to travel for 2,5 hours so I have enough time to think about stuff. And suddenly I thought about my birthday. Only less than a few weeks and it's time to celebrate my twentieth birthday. (Which is now 10 days ago)And I suddenly felt so small in this big world! I freaked out a little. What am I supposed to do now?

I had to make a lot of choices these past 20 years, simple ones like: what do I put on my slice of bread this morning: chocolate sprinkles or Nutella? But there were also hard choices: what study do I want to do? Do I move out and live on myself in Ede or stay safely at home? Do I spent money on this or that? Am I happy? Am I doing what I love? Do people like me? Am I brave enough to wear this piece of clothes?

The last question doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it was/is for me. I have had some rough times at school in the past. I lost my confidence and even though I thought I had found my confident again becoming 20 made the ground shudder under my feet. Everything that felt so ‘normal’ isn’t that normal anymore... Like: I choose my study because I’m curious and I love to write. But after my internship I realised that I don’t want to become a journalist. I don’t want to live from someone’s pain.
With that I mean, when something bad happens, journalists are there the first. Creating the news, informing the citizens about what is going on. Or asking more and more question about a horrible moment in someone's life that changed them. Just because we need that horrible part to make the story we’re writing a good story. I actually hate it.

When I realised that, I started to think: what else is there that I want to do? And that question has been haunting me ever since. I don’t know what to do. And in almost a year I’m graduating. I know that I still want to finish my study. I learn a lot of important new things. And still I learn how to write, which is what I love the most.

But what am I going to do after this? Is there a job out there for me that I like? I don’t know. Students around me, most of them, know exactly what they want to do right now and after their study. And it makes me feel so stupid and small. The world is so big, why on earth can’t I think of something that I want to become? There are a thousand jobs out there and it looks like none of them fit for me.

So becoming 20 is a blessing, of course, there is still a lot of stuff to explore, to visit and to do. But at this moment I’m stuck with the fact that I’m 20 and not knowing what to do with my life. I know 20 is young, but for me: it’s been my whole life!!!!  I had 20 years to think of something that I want to be, to know that I’m good at something and want to become better and yet I still don’t know.

The 20-something life crisis came early for me I guess…

Still I don’t want to be all down about this. I’m still okay and happy with my 20 years of walking, running, falling, failing, accomplishing, rolling, stumbling and laughing on earth! That shows the happy side of being 20. But you know, on every coin are two sides. And I thought it would be fair to tell that this is also a side of me: overthinking, scared, not confident. Instead of always seeing the bright sight of life, which I try to do the most.

If you’re in the I-don’t-know-what-to-do-with-my-life-phase too, let me know how you deal with it! Let me know what makes you happy, what you do to feel more confident. I could really use some tips about my life crisis right now and I guess other people can use advice from others too.

Xx Rianne

Ps. I got a pastel pink polaroid for my birthdayyy!!!!

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