Monday, 4 December 2017

Life Update: Struggling With Social Anxiety & Depression

I'm back. It took me months, but I'm back. And I want to explain to you why I suddenly disapeared and barely blogged since March.

It happened at the end of April when I broke. I had been pretending I was okay for way too long (I certainly wasn't okay.) I didn't know how 'okay' felt anymore. I constantly felt tired and confused and I was negative about myself and just felt lost. I barely got excited for things. I never did things with fun. I felt like a robot. And so, after my mom advised me when I finally told her how I felt, I went to see a doctor. And after seeing the doctor and going to a therapist it turned out that I was on the edge of a depression and had social anxiety.

So I decided (with help from my therapist of course) to literally stand still. I finished my internship and school projects last semester and focused on recovering. And now after more than a half year I decided that I'm going to pick up things that I really like to do. Because doing nothing isn't who I am.

I'm always doing something. And one of those 'somethings' is blogging. So I took time to plan stuff and to make a little schedule and I thought that I'll start posting when I felt like was the good time. And I think the time is right now. I'm finally feeling better and picking up (school)life again. Therapy is over and the therapist said I was strong enough to battle the world on my own strength again!!

I really want you to understand that I'm still going through rough times. I can't promise blogposts every Monday even though I made a schedule and have lots of new ideas. Writersblocks are lurking everywhere. As soon as I feel a little bit 'off'' I'm in this downwards spiral of unhappiness. And everything I do sucks in my opinion and that makes me feel bad. And then I do nothing just so I feel less like a failure. Which means no blogpost, no schoolwork, no life, no going out. Which also doesn't make me feel better of course... But I'm doing much better now only I still have those bad days but I have them less and less often!

Photo from Pinterest >
I've decided to post this blogpost because I have a period in which I feel really good. But I still have ups and downs. I hope that this blog can be my happy place again. And that I can slowly keep up with blogging and my life. I will try to post every monday but I have to put as less pressure as possible on myself, because I freak out very easily when I promise something and can't make it true... So that you know, I'm back but I'm still batteling with weird feelings.

We'll see what's going to happen. I just thought I had to let you know.
This blogpost went up this earlier this year but I took it ofline because I underrestimated my situation. It took me way longer to get better than I expected.(So this is the edited version)

So... I think I'm back on track and I love you all and hope you’re doing much better than I do. And if not, you must know that it's okay to feel different than happy because lots of people do feel like that and do have struggles. And if you feel like you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me by email and know that you can talk to your doctor, a person at school, your parents, friends or anonymous on special websites. Just google and you'll find a website in your own language that can help you professionally with your problem.
Don't be like me and hide these feelings from the world. It's not helping, I can tell you... Talking is the best option! Because there is help out there and you can get better!

Ps: I’m a little bit sorry that I didn't tell you this before and that I just stayed quiet. But it's just that I’m comfortable saying this now. I hope you understand.

Love you lots!

Xx Rianne
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